'Found £16k in a suitcase in my new home': 30 Top Secret Confessions of the Week (April 11, 2023)

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  • 01
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole Whenever I stay in a nice hotel, I take their shampoo. Now that most places have gone green, with large bottles screwed to the wall, I bring my own smaller container and patiently decant it. Probably take £10 value every stay. I'm mostly bald, and make £800,000 a year.
  • 02
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I bought knockoff versions of Apple Airpods Pro 2 for £25. They look & feel identical to the real things. I then bought actual ones for £249, put the fake ones in the box the real ones came in, and then returned them. I now own authentic airpods which only cost me £25.
  • 03
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole Postman here. If you choose to have an annoying and irregular postbox, i.e. low down, turned vertical, or hard to open, I will use it so vigorously, it'll gradually break over time.
  • 04
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole Me and my ex broke up in 2021. At the time, my Xbox Game Pass account was linked to her PayPal account. It still is. She's been paying my monthly fee for almost 18 months. I'm not telling her. Ever.
  • 05
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole ... I have a mid-to-senior level job in IT. I do nothing but rephrase into smaller words what people more intelligent than me have said, yet everyone thinks I'm brilliant at my job. This is despite the fact that I regularly say that all I'm doing is rephrasing others.
  • 06
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole ... Some time ago I somehow persuade my pedantic colleague that the plural of cow was cow. To this day he 'corrects' people who say cows. I mean, it doesn't crop up very often, but when it does the look of bemusement on the correctee's face gives me an enormous sense of pleasure.
  • 07
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I'm a teacher and when the head teacher pes me off I take one of her pens and put it in my desk drawer. I now have over 30 pens.
  • 08
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I once tried to impress my crush by ordering a fancy Italian dish, but ended up mispronouncing it so badly that the waiter brought me a plate of breadsticks instead. Needless to say, it wasn't the romantic dinner I had hoped for.
  • 09
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole My husband keeps on complaining about the lack of meat we get from an Aldi large chicken. The truth is I feed half of it to my dog whilst I'm carving it. Not sorry.
  • 10
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I break the takeaway containers I use for taking lunch to work so my girlfriend agrees to get takeaway more often
  • 11
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole Found £16k in a suitcase in of my new home when replacing loft insulation. Owner came back and asked me if I could check attic or if I'd found a suitcase. I told him I hadn't but insulation company had gutted it. I even went and checked while he sat nervously in my new porch.
  • 12
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole : My dog loves to watch me eat toast. I always give her the last bit of crust and rub her head and floppy ears as she eats. She thinks it's because she's been good, but i'm actually just wiping the butter off my hands.
  • 13
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole After ending things with a girl, she removed my access to one of her Spotify playlists. This devastated me, so I got back with her, regained access and made a copy of it, then finished with her for good. I felt like James Bond.
  • 14
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole Got my 12 daughter an Alexa for her birthday. Whenever I'm working from home by myself, I play music from bands I like on it via her Spotify account. Hoping to destroy her Spotify Year in Review, like my kids destroy mine.
  • 15
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I bought a pair of big headphones for work. I don't even have them plugged in half the time. I just wear them so people think I'm in the zone and won't talk to me.
  • 16
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole My ignorant neighbour who NEVER says hello back when I greet him had the audacity to knock on my door at 8pm complaining of the noise coming from my sound bar that was running at 20% volume. So I went out the next day and bought another for the upstairs. Fk him in stereo. :
  • 17
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole My business partner inexplicably started using Apple's latest 'hilarious' emoticons in client messages and emails. Despite being ten years in, I have started plotting to dissolve the business behind their back and start afresh alone.
  • 18
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole Sometimes I leave random double spaces so whoever I'm emailing thinks I deleted something. The hope is they spend all day worrying about it.
  • 19
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I used to work at a small local hardware store. When a customer was being particularly rude or difficult and was buying paint, I would mix it ever so slightly off from what they wanted.
  • 20
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I asked ChatGPT to help me write a business case I've struggled with for weeks. It failed miserably, clearly getting every detail wrong. Happy to know machines can't replace me yet, but also terrified now the deadline's today and I've wasted all my time talking to a robot.
  • 21
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole When I'm bored driving, I call the numbers on lorries and vans. I tell the office how great a driver they are and courteous - even if not. Telling them I used to be a HGV driver - I wasn't. Everyone needs a lift. It is a tough job. Most call are complaints.
  • 22
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole When I was 9 I broke my bedroom window. To prevent my parents seeing I put a poster over my window. Well I'm now 18 and the other day, the poster fell off my window revealing no crack whatsoever. I asked my parents about it and they said they'd fixed it 2 days after it happened.
  • 23
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole Instead of printing page 15 of a 60 page document, I printed 15 copies of the whole thing. It's still coming out.
  • 24
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole When I lived in Australia I did a door-to-door sales and found that as an English person, putting on an Irish accent got more sales. I didn't tell anyone at work, so when I told a customer who wound me up, to get fed the only Irish guy on the team got fired. Sorry Declan.
  • 25
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole I lied to my girlfriend about liking coffee so we would go on our first date. I can't stand the stuff. Our entire relationship is built on lies.
  • 26
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole On a date with a hot lass. Went really well until she told me she has an influential Twitter account. She told me her handle, I opened app, searched, and it showed that I had blocked her - I often block obnoxious accounts. She ended the date immediately after.
  • 27
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole : My identical twins are turning five next month. I still can't tell them apart. My wife doesn't know.
  • 28
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole Since I was little I've always dipped bananas into ketchup and thought it was totally normal. When my boyfriend broke up with me last week the last thing he said was how I was a freak for doing it
  • 29
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole : I often use the spaghetti server to scratch my back. It's perfect to scratch that itch! I know I should wash it afterwards, but - y'know - sometimes I don't and just put it back in the drawer. I suspect I am not the only one to do this.
  • 30
    Font - FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole Every time we kiss I'm gently training my boyfriend to be a better kisser and I hope he doesn't realise but it is slowly working.

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